I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
