i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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