she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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