the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
