I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
