My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My bed smells like the plague
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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