I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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