If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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