he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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