Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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