when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
