dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
