i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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