I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
