ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
pop tarts are not kleenex
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
