just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
