I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
