No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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