Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
