I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
