May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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