I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
