So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
