the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
