im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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