I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The police scanner is talking about you again....
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
