you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
