Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
