I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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