I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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