just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
