I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
