I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
