Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
