I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
