Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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