No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
