Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
