I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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