I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
