apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
