I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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