"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
