I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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