At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
