At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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