A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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