Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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