My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
