I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
